Things I learned...

Things I learned from my horrible day

--Some people are going to be mean and horrible no matter how nice you are and what you do to help.
--Some people are really great and patient and understanding
--I need to develop a thicker skin
--I work with some really great people
--Crying, eating Smarties, and hyperventalating are not things you should do all at the same time.
--Re-hashing a situation later with all the things you should have done or said doesn't make you feel better.
--Sometimes all you need is a couch and a dog

Deja Vu

{also entitled Broken Record}

Once again it has been a while since I've blogged, but I've been thinking ("Thinking??" name that movie quote, anyone?) and sometimes it's good to get thoughts out in the open.

It's that time of year again when I have babies on the brain. So I'm making a list, reasons I would like to have kids and reasons why I don't want or am afraid to have kids.

FOR
-My life feels empty and without purpose, I mean what is it all for. What are we working towards. Yes we work to pay bills and maybe save up for this or that, but beyond that
-I've been to two funerals in the last couple weeks, an if Martin and I don't have any kids, who will come to our funerals, and what will we be leaving behind?
-Time, even though I still may be young, my family is getting older, and I want my children to know their grandparents, and be able to remember fun times, like we had tonight as a family for Easter
-I want to celebrate holidays. I feel like there are so many things I would like to do, but don't have kids so it's either silly or pointless to do them. The most recent example, going to the apartment complex's Easter egg hunt, or dying Easter eggs.
-This one is kind of dumb, but along the same lines as the last one, I'm fairly crafty and have no one to make cute things for, besides nieces and nephews, but it's just not the same.
-A couple months ago I was reading a random blog out there and they had a video of when they told their family that they were pregnant. The family was all together and they opened the letter and the family was SO excited and they cried and laughed, and I sobbed and sobbed for about ten minutes. I want that, I want to give my family that.

AGAINST
-It may seem silly, but what if I love my dog more than I love my child
-Depression. What if it makes me an unfit mother, or worse what if I pass it on to them. I don't want them to feel what I feel.
-Spirituality. How can I feel certain that I can teach my children, and save their souls if I can't even save my own?
-Martin and my relationship. Kids will inevitably put a strain on our relationship, will we be strong enough? Sometimes I think oh we've been married for 5 years we can make it through, but then there are people who have been married like 25 years and they don't make it.
-Hearing people complain about their children on Facebook or on blogs. Saying how they want to get away all the time, or seeing how stressed mothers are.
-Life is hard and the world is a scary place do I really want to bring someone into this world, and be responsible for them.
-They grow up and turn into people that I don't have control over.


Anyway. Those are some of the thoughts floating around in my head. I just looked back through my blog, and had a post similar to this about two years ago...You can see how much progress I've made in this area of my life. One of the reasons I don't blog very often is that I put my feelings out there and feel so open and vulnerable, and kind of stupid. So I would like to hear your comments, but be gentle.