{also entitled Broken Record}
Once again it has been a while since I've blogged, but I've been thinking ("Thinking??" name that movie quote, anyone?) and sometimes it's good to get thoughts out in the open.
It's that time of year again when I have babies on the brain. So I'm making a list, reasons I would like to have kids and reasons why I don't want or am afraid to have kids.
FOR
-My life feels empty and without purpose, I mean what is it all for. What are we working towards. Yes we work to pay bills and maybe save up for this or that, but beyond that
-I've been to two funerals in the last couple weeks, an if Martin and I don't have any kids, who will come to our funerals, and what will we be leaving behind?
-Time, even though I still may be young, my family is getting older, and I want my children to know their grandparents, and be able to remember fun times, like we had tonight as a family for Easter
-I want to celebrate holidays. I feel like there are so many things I would like to do, but don't have kids so it's either silly or pointless to do them. The most recent example, going to the apartment complex's Easter egg hunt, or dying Easter eggs.
-This one is kind of dumb, but along the same lines as the last one, I'm fairly crafty and have no one to make cute things for, besides nieces and nephews, but it's just not the same.
-A couple months ago I was reading a random blog out there and they had a video of when they told their family that they were pregnant. The family was all together and they opened the letter and the family was SO excited and they cried and laughed, and I sobbed and sobbed for about ten minutes. I want that, I want to give my family that.
AGAINST
-It may seem silly, but what if I love my dog more than I love my child
-Depression. What if it makes me an unfit mother, or worse what if I pass it on to them. I don't want them to feel what I feel.
-Spirituality. How can I feel certain that I can teach my children, and save their souls if I can't even save my own?
-Martin and my relationship. Kids will inevitably put a strain on our relationship, will we be strong enough? Sometimes I think oh we've been married for 5 years we can make it through, but then there are people who have been married like 25 years and they don't make it.
-Hearing people complain about their children on Facebook or on blogs. Saying how they want to get away all the time, or seeing how stressed mothers are.
-Life is hard and the world is a scary place do I really want to bring someone into this world, and be responsible for them.
-They grow up and turn into people that I don't have control over.
Anyway. Those are some of the thoughts floating around in my head. I just looked back through my blog, and had a post similar to this about two years ago...You can see how much progress I've made in this area of my life. One of the reasons I don't blog very often is that I put my feelings out there and feel so open and vulnerable, and kind of stupid. So I would like to hear your comments, but be gentle.
6 comments:
Well Tyson and I never had 'alone' time in our marriage. When we got married I already had Kyler and he adopted him. I liked that fact that he excepted me for who I was and not what I look liked so much. I sometimes think to myself what would our lives be like without kids? What would we do on easter, christmas or just even everyday after work? It seems like it would be so boring. I wish that sometimes we had more alone time because yes kids can get in the way of your relationship, but I think that they can also bring you closer together. We have had so many laughs and giggle about some of the things they do and it reminds us of when we were little or what we looked like. We put the kids in bed and then we have our alone time, we also try to go out on date nights whihc is a little harder cuz you have to get babysitters but family is always good for that. If you talk about things that you want your kids to do or learn or how you want them to be disciplined or things like that it will also help. I think there is such a strong bond between a mother and baby when she is pregnant, but Tyson says that he alsways feels a greater bond for me and the baby as well, realizing how I am carrying our little baby and its a part of us. Its brought us closer together and I wouldnt change it for anything, yes kids can fight and be pain in the butt, but cant we all no one is perfect and I think once you are pregnant some of those nurturting instincts come naturally. Sorry so long hopefully this helped a little.
Staci, Parenting is hard. It sucks sometimes {when the fighting starts or the moments when you can't get away} but seriously, THEY. ARE. WORTH. EVERYTHING.
As you know David and I didn't plan on getting pregnant, let alone married. But it happened quickly. Things like that do.
And it's hard. But I love it.
If you stress about all the things you're afraid of, you'll never get the stuff that you're ready for.
Now, my rebuttal on all your againsts:
1. you love your dog. TONS. it's family. That child is part of YOU. DNA. BLOOD. It's yours. You may love them equally, or you may love your child more. But I doubt you'll love the dog more.
2. Depression. With the right doctor {and a good hubby to look out for warning signs} you can get through pregnancy and the following months of newborn-hood. You know you best, and when you're out of wack TALK TO SOMEONE. Another mother, Martin, your doctor. ANYONE. And make sure to get plenty of sunshine. As for the child becoming depressed, don't we all at some point? Really.
3. You can't make someone choose the right path, or what you see as the right path. Everyone has to make that choice for themselves. Including you. And if the way you were raised isn't something you're completely sold on, check out other avenues. The road is open. And as you hear often, you can make your own choices, as will your children.
4. Kids are a strain on a marriage. But you have to remember to have "couple time" often. we don't go out on dates much. we cannot afford it. But most nights, after the kids go to bed, we spend time together.
5. Life is stressful. So are kids. You hate the things they do, but you still love them.
6. This is tough. I STILL struggle with this and I have 2 kids already. But my life would SUCK without them in it. Seriously. They make me whole.
7. yeah. again, something we don't have control over. you'll find that even growing up you won't have control as much as you want.
It's a choice only you can make. You'll be a good mom. You just have to believe in your self.
I don't have and kids so my comment probably doesnt mean that much, but sometimes I think having kids is a leap of faith. When you don't see any possible way things could work out our loving Heavenly Father always blesses us and it works out perfectly. And in my experience it usually turns out better than we can even imagine. It remindes me of this scripture "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."
Proverbs 3:5
p.s. you would be an amazing mother!
I promise that you'll never love your dog more than your own child. There is a special bond that you will share with a baby/child. You just wont understand till you have your own. Motherhood is stressful, it's a busy job - but I promise its rewarding. Life is life - and yes, you get stressed or child of your children. That doesn't mean to not have them. It's like when Abby was a puppy - it was work to potty train and feed and clean up after - but its worth it right? Life happens - people divorce or fight or whatever - but NOT because they HAD a child. Not having children wont guarantee that you'll be happy/stress-free or that you'll forever stay together. It's life and what happens to you that decides that. Look at what the church teaches: family is everything. Family is the best. You know this for sure, cause you have such great siblings and parents. I'm jealous of your family. Can you imagine being alone in 20 years??? No kids??? Like you said about the funerals, the people that loved them the most and that were there for them the most were their family - because they had children. I'm not trying to talk you into getting pregnant, it's your guys decisions - but I just want you to know that its worth it. It can be hard, it can be stressful, but so can any other aspect of life. My children ARE my LIFE. You know how cute Sammy is? and how much you love her and she makes you smile and crack up with silly things she does or says??? Having that be your own child makes you heart just melt 100 times more than a neice or nephew can. You WILL be a great mom, I already know that. Plus you have GREAT examples of good moms (Your mom, gayla, sara) Don't be super scared of it. If you raise your child in the gospel and be an example of right and wrong then you'll be doing what you need to teach your child about being spiritual. Don't get too down on yourself! Heavenly Father loves you! All in due time. I was laying in the tanning bed thinking about this post you wrote and your dad came to mind. What would your dad tell you about starting a family if you could talk to him? I bet he'd let you know how important having and raising a family is. He'd want to see you be a wonderful mom and raise his grandchildren- and he'd want to be with you guys in heaven! I know it can be scary - I was scared to start trying with Aidan. Good thing he was an Oops, and came when God wanted him to. Pray about it. Really pray. You'll get peace/comfort or anwsers. I love you! I know you'd be a great mom! Don't ever base having children on money - there will never be enough money, I promise! Ok, this is getting really really long! I love you!!!
Hey Staci, I know we don't talk very much so I hope it's ok if I comment.(: I second Becky. She always writes the greatest things.
One other thing to keep in mind is that kids take 100 times more than they give (emotionally, physically, etc.) So if you are feeling empty or purposeless, the gospel is most definitely the answer. I couldn't be a mother without my Savior's help everyday, almost minute to minute sometimes. Strengthen yourself spiritually, and you can do anything. Good luck!
Hey Lady,
Well, I would like to tell you that you are incredible. I am always impressed by how self-less you are, thank you for being an example to me.
You are so loved... All of the comments on your post show you that others love you and want you to be happy. I know this is also true of our Heavenly Father, Staci He loves you so so much!
I have never understood how much He loves us until I had my own child and realized that He sacrificed His for us.... so that we could be happy. I love what everyone wrote... Pray about it, If we believe our Heavenly Father loves us (and He does) we can trust that whatever trials or BLESSINGS we are given are for our eternal happiness.
Good luck with your decision making. And remember that there are many many many who want you to be happy and love you. I love you!
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